Home is a word we use casually. We use it to explain where we are headed; to ask someone where they live or even, where they grew up. Sometimes it simply refers to our address, and really, that would be an accurate use of the word. But, for me home means something more...

When I was little, I lived in Frankfurt, Germany. We spent our summers in Spain and I thought the world was pretty near perfect. However, one day we moved away and I have both fond and yet equally disturbing memories of the day we left Europe and moved to Canada. Even though I was 10 at the time and grew up through my teens in Vancouver ( another city I absolutely love ), I have always felt separated from any sense of home.

All of this true despite living with my family (husband, two kids and a dog) in a wonderful 'home'. We have Sunday night dinners, dress rehearsals, movie nights and a front porch... and yet I have longed for something my entire life that I have not been able to find. If this isn't home, I thought to myself, then something else must exist that would feel like home to me.

It's difficult to explain this feeling and yet knowing that I am not alone in my sense of loss for home, I have embarked on a journey to find home by travelling. Combining my love for Bikram Yoga with an 18 day trip to Europe, I decided I'd travel 'home' and see if I couldn't get a bit closer to the feeling for which I have longed.

I landed in Nice, France four days ago, and after a couple of very, jet-lagged and discombobulated days, I have found my groove in the Bikram Yoga Boot Camp I've signed up for - which consists of Bikram yoga twice a day for 12 days. (For more on the Boot Camp and my Experience, read this post.) It is difficult, extremely challenging but the best companion for a journey of self-discovery.

Though I'm not in Frankfurt yet (I will make my way there later), I feel 'home-ish', I think simply because I am back in Europe.

Life is different here. Even though the French are incredibly laid back with most things ( i.e. bringing your cheque to the table ) the streets are busier, more hectic and there is noise and history everywhere. I have spent my first few days getting acquainted with Nice - going to galleries, shops, eating fresh tomatoes picked that day, eating a lot of cheese, seeing old friends, making new ones, and preparing myself for the challenge of doing Awkward Pose (amongst others) 42 times over the next week and a half (ouch).

Being here and thinking about my family, I've thought a lot about how lucky I am. I've often commented on how "spoiled I am"... then one day at the beach, one of my new yogi friends said to me, "You're not spoiled at all. If you were, you wouldn't appreciate everything you have so much."

Probably the nicest compliment I'd received in a very long time...

So it turns out that I'm someone who appreciates what I've got - two brilliant kids, a loving husband, a beautiful home and a successful business - so maybe I don't have to feel guilty that still I search for something that can't be found in suburbia, in a shopping mall or, it seems, in domesticity. However, after 13 years of building a home, I still cannot settle into a life onlookers inevitably judge as amazing. What really is my problem?

The yoga I'm doing in Nice is an experience that is helping me to see more of myself than I've seen in 13 long years. Always busy with the kids' activities and needs, running a house, building a business, being a wife, these are all things that easily bury any sense of self. Combine that with the responsibility of mortgage and car payments, tuition payments and sports activities and you can forget about free thought. It's a lot of pressure and when I look around at the other couples we know, it's not hard to identify that they also feel stressed, worried and fatigued almost all the time... is this really what home should feel like?

I think home is that feeling you get when you are fulfilled, at peace and safe. It's a feeling of familiarity without burden or stress. Maybe, it's even finding unconditional love. Wikipedia defines home as one's place of residence or refuge; it can relate to a geographical location as in the city, town or region where one grew up. But, it also mentions that one's perception of home may have no physical location at all - that it may relate instead to "an emotional state of refuge or comfort". I would like to add to that - fulfllment.

To test that theory I've physically travelled "home" to see if going to the geographical region where I grew up will bring me any closer to that feeling... despite the fact that 'back home' a lot of people think I'm an idiot for doing this, I've never felt more alive.  Maybe some of us aren't meant to settle... maybe some things we lose, we can never replace... or, maybe when you've lost your home, you'll just never settle until you find it.