At a recent dinner party with three other married couples, one couple announced that they were thrilled to have discovered how much pornography has improved their sex life... "It's like a revival," the impassioned husband explained to the group of us. His wife was less enthusiastic but played her part convincingly. I will admit, I was a little wide-eyed. A revival? As in a new presentation of an old play?... WHAT? I'm all for theatre and no sexual indocile but c'mon.. I don't buy it. It's over.

Thing is...marriages don't end easily. Our culture teaches us that marriages should be saved and the concept of a revival to "save a marriage" seemed to most that evening to be a good idea. Nobody wants to see a marriage come to an end. Marriage has a life and culture of its own. Marriage has a voice. Couples push hard to never let it die. So, how are we supposed to really know when a marriage is at the end?

A cup sits empty, the sun sets, and a song stops playing... these are all cues that tell us when something has ended. But, as we have all been told, the end of something is really just the start of something new. When we think of it this way, everything seems transitory without beginning or end. Afternoon turns into evening. A new song begins to play...and when we look upon endings this way, they are lovely moments.

However, unlike ‘The End’ of a movie, sometimes it isn't as obvious or as simple. When it comes to matters of the heart, many gray areas arise. It can be awkward to know when a relationship has started, but even more difficult to know when it is over. Horrible things might be said. Someone moves out. Hearts are broken. The end of a marriage is typically signified by divorce - a final agreement that a marriage has ended.. but in the same way that one falls in love long before the wedding day, most marriages end a lifetime before anyone signs on the dotted divorce line.

Though it may seem to end when a philanderer is ousted, lies are revealed or some monumental betrayal is brought forestage, most marriages die slowly, silently and without too much drama. Falling a little bit out of love every passing season, every year that goes by, spouses might suspect this is happening. They might even know it to be true but because marriage is cloaked in ritual and expectation, the verisimilitude of a happy marriage is often too easily maintained.

Unlike any other relationship that I have ever been in, marriage has a voice and it repeatedly says, "do it for me"...

An alarming thing happens in marriage. Once wed, we become part of a unit that is greater than just a partnership of lives. This unit, bound in "wedlock", is part of a whole community of units and that community is part of the institution of marriage, which is ratified by state and church - our largest institutions; our biggest culture vultures. As a part of this greater sum of parts, there is a sense of ownership and privilege that comes with being married. We get to belong and identify with a social commonness that not everyone can have. It is as elitist as it sounds...and, for many it is hard to give up.

Since the day I got married I have felt a conscious association with this institution. In 1998 a mental awareness almost instantly created direction in my brain to watch for the social cues that would show me what was now expected. Whether in sitcoms, magazines or the other married couples in our lives, the signs surrounded me like giant walls. And, for over a decade I have walked down a closed corridor between a beginning and an end. Not really sure when exactly it began. Not sure if it will end in death or divorce. Perpetually wondering how I got here...why didn't I know what it would be like?

Marriage is a bond that we may at first believe will bring fulfillment to our lives. As little girls especially, we are encouraged to think about who we want to marry and plan the wedding of our dreams. When we find it, many of us feel like we've been granted noblesse oblige and really do expect to live happily ever after. It affirms for us that we are loved and comforts us with a blanket of assurances, but whilst we are being snowed in by illusory self-worth, we don't see what it is taking in exchange.

When a marriage ends there is quiet. It is lonely. It's the end of your favourite album that has been replaced with deafening silence. At first you may not know with what to fill that void.... idle chatter about the kids? small talk? drinks? I have friends who have filled the gap by training for marathons, swinging (not the dancing kind) or even the classic, having another baby... Sometimes we get depressed or have an affair. We fight. We ignore. We placate. We pray. We do everything we can do to prove to ourselves that this is not the end but only a phase. And in some ways we are right because like all endings, even this one is a transition. One that began a long time ago but was a part of something so deeply embedded in culture and identity that it can take years to fully understand and accept.

No one likes change. Whether it is the kids growing up or the end of your favourite song, change is hard. And... speaking from experience, marriage especially doesn't want you to change. It constantly repeats to you the value of stability and consistency. But sometimes, it is change we seek and we won't know how good it feels until we create it. A friend who recently left her husband told me that the day she woke up, turned to him and said, "I don't want to be married anymore" was the most relief she had felt in 15 years. It had taken her five years to build up the courage...

Another girlfriend was devastated when scrapping with her husband, in what had become a rather typical Saturday night of drinks and fights, he turned to her and said, "I just don't want you to keep doing this just for me...it's too painful." Right then, she knew too. They had reached an end undefined by ritual or law. Neither of them wanted to be married anymore. Both of them, afraid. They had been fighting for seven years...

Unlike a sunset or church bells, marriage holds on. In its most hopeful state it holds onto you and your explanation of life; it holds onto your children, your dreams and your ideal of love. It holds on tight and offers a sense of security and an even stronger sense of identity.

In its saddest state marriage holds onto you...it takes your individualism and makes you doubt. Always whispering, "do it for me"...but every time you sacrifice a little piece of yourself to save a marriage, when you know you shouldn't, a little piece of you is taken.

Like a selfish lover, marriage threatens you with failure, shame and ridicule. How often have you heard the term "a failed marriage"? The marriage fails and you get a big, fat F. Nobody wants to fail. So we do what we think we should until we can't anymore...until we finally have to admit that our cup is empty.

Although divorce may be the final act that undoes wedlock, it is the moment we say no to continuous self sacrifice in the name of saving the marriage that can't be saved, the moment we decide to save ourselves instead - that is the moment where we find ourselves at the end...at this time we realize that it is the relationship with ourselves marriage stole when we were not paying attention. It is a gutting moment but then we say to Marriage "no, I am doing this for me"...and...it is therein that we find a new beginning.