Recently I underwent corrective laser eye surgery to improve my vision. To be able to see clearly and far has been something I have desperately wanted for years so when the day finally came, I was very excited.
That was last Friday and yesterday I went back in to complete the process on my second eye. So there. It's done. In a matter of days, during which there will be lots of tears, heaps of eyedrops and intermittent blurriness, I will have perfect or better than perfect eyesight. I will no longer have to squint at flight boards, lament the lack of expression on an actor's face at the theatre, bypass intricacies of street art or walk up to the wrong person in the restaurant. Why? Because I can see...or at least that's what I thought.
However, this morning, following the doctor's day after checkup, my mom and I were having breakfast at my favourite cafe when something she said completely stole my joyful clarity.
"I can't wait to see your life in five years," she said without hesitation or pause. "What do you envision it will look like?," she asked.
Ummmm... WTF? Was my immediate reaction. Seeing as how I am going through a lot of change in my life - new career choices, moving cities, relationships falling apart...this wasn't the type of cosmic question I enjoyed these days. When things are falling apart I find I have a hard enough time pushing through the routines that those pieces created, nevermind digging through my bruised life for new plans...and yet here I was, face to face with a call for a vision that goes far beyond my eyesight. It made me wonder, what good is perfect eyesight without proper vision?
A life coach will tell you that unless you create a vision for your future, there is no roadmap for you to follow - and, without some kind of roadmap, life's twists and turns are more likely to happen TO you; to bang you about, to in effect bruise you rather than to be the building blocks that challenge you and help you grow along the way to a goal you have set out for yourself - otherwise known as a vision for how you would like your life to be.
Even though I detested my mother's question on such a delightfully foggy winter day where vision to me had meant seeing the Chanel sign from the opposite side of the street without squinting, it got me thinking... What is my vision for my future? What do I really want out of life and my rapidly approaching most confident, "best years"?
It's not something I can answer in just this one blog post but a question tangled within a philosophy that has been eating away at me for years. I do know that this is part of the reason why yoga has had such a profound effect on my life. The other day during practice. I heard Bikram say. "yoga makes you You" and I thought, oh shit! Of course that's what has been happening to me in yoga over the past few years. Who I am was gone, buried, hidden, ignored and even shamed over many years, a long time ago...bringing it back is bound to cause profound changes my life. If I am to be me than I simply cannot continue living a life as a farce where I am not allowed to be that person.
Change is really scary and hard. We do, as human beings get used to our creature comforts, but when we are changing as a result of seeking greater clarity - as Yogis would say: "self-realization" - then vision is what we truly seek and where the real work begins.

don't tell me how much you make,
i'm not interested in your wallet.
I want to know what makes you ache,
and if you're willing to take the risk.

don't tell me what they call you,
I'm not interested in your title.
I want to know what makes you laugh,
and if you're willing to include yourself.

don't tell me your age,
I'm not interested in your status.
I want to know if you would relinquish power,
and dare to look like a fool,
all for love
and the adventure of feeling alive.

don't tell me how many girls you've bed,
I'm not interested in sports.
I want to know if you've touched the deepest part of your own soul,
the place where your ego suffered a small death.

don't tell me you are faithful.
I want to know if you trust life to give you what you need,
even though you've been abandoned,
betrayed,
and found yourself immovable with pain.

don't tell me you've cried,
I don't care for drama.
I want to know if you can sit with sorrow,
the kind that turns the world black,
whether yours or mine,
without agenda. 

don't tell me you like to party,
I want to know if you will get up and dance with me,
across the room, along the promenade, up the stairs,
without caution,
until the sun rises and beckons for pause with its beauty.

don't tell me that you are brave,
I don't care for trophies. 
I want to know if you can disappoint someone because it's honest,
and true to who you are,
that you can accept betrayal without hatred,
and dishonesty without resentment.

don't tell me you've made mistakes,
I'm not interested in regret.
I want to know if you can live with failure,
find beauty even when it isn't pretty,
touch warmth even when I am trembling,
and take in a sunset without comment...

don't tell me how much you know,
I'm not interested in your degree. 
I want to know if you can suffer 
without sleep, silence or spirits,
and still hold tenderly a screaming child. 

don't tell me you've seen the world.
I want to know if you've felt despair,
experienced gutting loss,
and when weary and bruised..
have chosen not to run away.

don't tell me you are admired,
I'm not a fan of fame. 
tell me what gives you purpose from within,
from the place where all else falls away,
I want to know what matters to you when you are alone
and that you are content with yourself in empty moments...

because that is the person you try to hide,
can never run away from,
and the only one I want to know.  

of all the shit people say, the shit yogis say is my favourite..

Published in Elephant Yoga December 2011

"Welcome to Bikram's torture chamber to kill yourself for 90 minutes". This is what you will often hear upon walking into a Bikram yoga class. It makes many of us nervous. Torture? Kill? It isn't what we would normally associate with yoga, but in this case it is both accurate and appropriate.

Bikram yoga is a series of 26 challenging Hatha yoga postures that work your body inside out and backwards. Bikram yoga is hard. It's hot and humid in the torture chamber. When you are finished you have worked every muscle, joint, tendon, ligament and cell in your body and you feel high. The last thing you are thinking about is death, so why so much drama about killing yourself?

Well how you feel upon finishing class is not how you feel during it. Not at first anyway. Every posture works a different part of your body using a tourniquet effect to temporarily stop blood flow to a specific body part. When you release from the pose, fresh, oxygenated blood rushes into the targeted area and flushes out any scar tissue, toxins or disease.

The challenge is getting into and holding those poses. It's hot, you're dripping wet with sweat, sometimes so much so that it runs off your forehead like a tap and you can't rely on friction even between your fingers to hold a grip on your feet - you have to use the strength in your core, in your glutes and in your hands, even the tiniest of finger muscles, to hold on. You also have to use your mental strength because it is easy to give up.

Throughout different postures we are told to touch our forehead to our toes, to the floor and to our knees - not one of these is easy. In other postures we have to twist our spine, backbend, sit in the most challenging squat whilst backbending - your thighs burn, your arms shake and you feel like you are going to fall down backwards. "It isn't called Awkward pose for no reason," is the only comfort the instructor will give you.

During any and all of these challenges it is easy to tell yourself that you can't do it. After all, who would reasonably expect you to be able to swan dive backwards and touch the floor in a backbend? We are told that if you feel sick, dizzy or nauseous...that is a good thing. Sheer madness... However, we are also told that as long as you're doing 1% of the posture 100% correctly, even just looking up at the ceiling with your arms above your head thinking about backbending, you are receiving all the benefits that your neighbour in the shape of beautiful crescent moon is getting. Yoga means to try...so how can you say no?

It's hot. It hurts. But it is good for you. It makes you stronger. It builds your faith. It slowly, class by class, posture by posture starts to kill the voice inside your head that says, "I can't". The little you, the frightened you...the ego is what we kill in yoga. We use the body as our tool to connect to our minds in a 90 minute moving meditation where the point is to kill your-little-self...

When we unite body and mind we are more balanced people, we have achieved a union that makes seeing ourselves a whole lot easier; makes knowing ourselves that much more possible and brings us closer to our higher selves - the one that the ego tries so desperately to keep us separated from.

Sweating out the toxins from your body is hard, sweating out the toxins from your mind is even harder. Just like a tight, stiff spine, the ego is completely inflexible, but every time you try another back bend, your spine opens up a little...and slowly you begin to find some progress. Little by little you say to yourself, "maybe I can". Bit by bit you kill the part of yourself that is afraid. And you realize, fear is the only reason to say you can't - on or off the mat.

I used to think Bikram said kill yourself because the yoga is so physically demanding that you have to take on this killer mentality - the extreme sport type of mentality, which you can see throughout a Bikram class on many faces, but this isn't the point at all.

The day I realized what part of me I was killing, I started to cry. The tears mixed in with sweat and I felt a whole new kind of strength emerge within me. It had been growing, evolving all this time right alongside my physical practise...simply waiting for the right moment to let me in.

Every class is different. Some days there is progress. Some days there isn't. But, every day I grow stronger because I know that if I can do this, I can do anything. As Bikram says, "the ultimate destination of human life is self-realization" and so we kill ourselves to know ourselves...this is the only way we can truly live.

My practice has continued to deepen on every level since that day, there have been many more tears and I know there are many more layers to unravel and secrets to learn. I am made stronger and humbled by this practice. I wouldn't give up killing myself every day for the world. The world could never give me what I give myself in every yoga class. So every day when I bring my feet together, interlace my fingers, place my knuckles under my chin, glue my thumbs to my throat and start the Pranayama breathing that begins every Bikram yoga class, I remind myself that the only thing worse than killing myself is never having lived at all.

The Bikram Yoga Nice Boot Camp

Eight Days of Bikram yoga twice per day whilst staying in the yoga studio located in the port of Nice, Cote d’Azur, France. October 2011

Yoga is yoga is yoga. I believe this is true and have practiced many different kinds of yoga over the course of the last 20 years, but for me, it was only when I discovered Bikram Hot Yoga, that I found a practice that could and would completely change my life...

Four years ago, I was on two different kinds of medication for anxiety and depression; I didn't sleep well and drank almost every night to "help take the edge off". I knew life wasn't working for me, but I didn't know how to fix it...

After just one month of Bikram Yoga, I'd ditched all the meds and was starting to find I didn't need a drink at the end of the day... I was calmer, kinder, more patient and less anxious. I quickly developed a greater sense of humility. It was - in one word - transformative.

Bikram’s 95 minute hot yoga class is a prescribed and copyrighted series of 26 Hatha yoga postures placed in a particular order and designed as such to work every muscle, bone, joint, ligament, cell and system in your body. It is a practice where at the end of the class you feel reborn, proud and often quite high. It is a practice that has for many such a profound impact on our lives that friends will often ask if we are paid to promote it… we are not. It is simply.. just that good...

In hopes that I might advance and strengthen my practice after four years, and still unsure about teacher training, I searched out a Bikram Yoga retreat that could put my passion for this practice to a true test. I found one in Nice, France. They call it the Nice Boot Camp and it involves seven days of practicing Bikram Yoga twice a day whilst staying in the port area of Nice, Cote d’Azure of Southern France.

I booked myself into the boot camp within a week of discovering it. A very reasonable fee because of shared accommodations and a rustic but lovely studio meant that I was easily able to afford this challenge...

I arrived on a Friday with the boot camp starting on the Sunday afternoon. Jet lagged and a little overwhelmed, I decided nevertheless to visit the studio early and take class on the Saturday. The studio sits on the top floor of the old Hotel Carnot, located en route from Nice to Monaco and one block from the very busy and attractive Nice Port. Situated on the Meditteranean Ocean of the Riveria meant that surroundings and the studio would be a lot more humid - and they were. By Eagle (the third posture in the series), I was already dripping with sweat. The heat was a lot more intense than I am used to coming from a dryer climate in Canada; and, being that the buildings in Europe - and in particular in Nice - are all very old, there is no such thing as heated floors and walls like my studio at home in Vancouver, BC. Instead, radiant heat lamps hang from the ceiling and they are staggered in two rows across the width of the room.

On that first class I quickly realized that it is the unlucky and the late (that was me) who end up directly beneath one of these lamps. It was hot. SO hot. I felt as if the lamp was burning my back... By the spine strengthening series (first part of the floor series), I had to leave, which I’ve never done and Bikram instructors do not like. Some won’t let you leave, but this time, I think it was obvious that if I was not allowed to leave, bad things would definitely happen...

As I sat in the back of the studio and cooled down, I wondered if I’d made a mistake by coming here; by pushing myself this hard when really I was already fit and quite content in my practice… however, after several minutes and long, deep breaths, I reminded myself that I wasn’t here to find contentment. I came here to find my edge, my depth, to take another step along the long road of self-realization. It wasn’t supposed to be comfortable.

Bikram says that the power of yoga is self-realization - to discover your potential and to see yourself as you truly are for the first time in this life. To do this we must kill the ego and strive for a union between mind, body and spirit that yoga creates for us.

"You are never too old, never too bad, never too late, never to sick to start from scratch once again”. - Bikram Choudhury

In most ways, this describes exactly the Bikram yoga practice. You never know what you are going to get and every class is different. It never gets easier. Only you change and eventually... get stronger.

Even after years of practice, every class is different. I reminded myself of all of these things and after I’d calmed down, I went back to class. The teacher was happy to see me and I was proud that I had returned to fight through despite the instinct not to because this is one of the most profound lessons that Bikram yoga - in particular - teaches us. Resolve - often referred to in class as "British Bulldog determination and Bengal Tiger strength."

I left class that first day rather invigorated and excited to start the official boot camp the next day. Even friends whom I visited later that same day couldn’t help but notice how much one yoga class had brought me back from a jet lagged, near-death version of myself.

Day One - Sunday

The first day was more of an introductory day. Getting to know the studio, the schedule and the expectations, which were really only to show up for yoga twice a day, every day. I was rather nervous following my previous day’s experience but the nerves quickly disappeared once class started.

My very sore and tired body opened up into the poses little by little and I pushed myself to focus on the dialogue and not on the pain. Michael, the studio owner, taught class that evening and his calm presence carried the class through to a peaceful and generous conclusion. Everyone felt fantastic after and one of the other teachers who had been staying and practising at the studio for the past week, turned to me and said, “we’re going for dinner now”. And so we did.

Day Two - Monday

This would be the first day of two classes. I woke up and went for coffee at the Tabac across the street. Old French men sit and smoke at these Tabacs, sharing stories and commenting on the beauty of women walking by...a charming experience. Shortly after it was time for my first class.

I was careful to have placed my mat strategically between two lamps and close to the window, though I still had to walk through the thick, staggering wall of humid heat that almost instantly brought a dampness to my entire body. I sat on the mat and awaited the start of class. Tiny beads of sweat started to form on my upper lip and four minutes later as the teacher arrived and asked us to stand for the start of class, the first three beads of sweat rolled down my spine. This…is going to be brilliant, I thought.

By the second class that day I had found a new depth to my practice. I could only imagine where the rest of this week would take me.

Day Three - Tuesday

Third day into boot camp and I woke up feeling every muscle and fibre in my body. It felt good.

On this day I quickly realized how the first class of the day is really just a warm up for the evening class. Morning classes always being harder since the body is tighter from sleep, but also in this case, more sore and stiff from the previous days’ practice. So, the morning class was tough but I took it easy and allowed my body to experience waking up and stretching out.

By evening I was ready to go for it and I really pushed myself. I got my forehead down to the floor in separate leg stretching and in Triangle Pose - for the first time ever - I touched my finger tips to my toes with a perfectly straight spine. It’s funny how different teachers say different things and it can be precisely that one thing that gets you to the next level in your practice.

That evening Rhonna, the instructor for that night, encouraged us to stretch up and then down, stretch up and then down, rather than to simultaneously try to make both sides stretch. I don’t why but it made all the difference and all of a sudden I was touching my toes and simultaneously reaching for the sky.

Day Four - Wednesday

Woke up and felt tired. So tired. Wasn’t sure why exactly but the girls and I did have a hard time falling asleep after last night’s late class (yoga high) so that may have been it. I dragged myself downstairs for a coffee and a bit of food and wondered how I’d get through class.

Perfect day for the beach.. and so after fighting my way through the morning class, I figured all I needed was a few hours to lay in the sun and sleep and give my body the rest it needed. What I didn’t plan on however, was the intense heat that would build up inside my body by laying in the sun for hours. When I got back to the studio for evening class I was already feeling light headed. Then, as I started to practice - under a heat lamp no less - I began to suffer and sweat immensely. I felt on fire. My sweat - salty from the ocean ran into my eyes, up my nose and into my mouth.

Yet, the amazing thing about Bikram is that sometimes the more you suffer, the more depth and understanding you get of yourself and your own body. There is a quote that floats around in the Bikram community that ‘Yoga is the first time you learn to love yourself because it is the first time you really see yourself.”  learning to love myself... good goal.

Day Five - Thursday

Didn’t sleep much and felt tired upon waking but quickly came around as I thought about yoging again. I was closer in Standing Forehead to Knee than I had been in four years - almost there! And in every posture, it seemed, I was learning something new about myself and the practice. Suffering or not, this boot camp was definitely teaching me something that a casual practice - even a daily one - coudn’t do.

When you spend four hours in the hot room every day for this many days, you start to unravel not only your physical body but your emotional body too. And, I started to feel it building inside me...

By Locust, thick, salty tears fell across my face and onto the mat. No definable, particular reason, really, but just an overwhelming sense of relief and loss simultaneously came over me. It happened in the morning and then, after a rather melancholy afternoon, again in the evening. These conflicting emotions did confuse me but also felt very good to release.

My daily life is - like many - not my own: with two kids, a career, a husband, family, a million activities and social engagements always carrying on, demanding time; emotional output and attention. Strange place to be lost - someplace so familiar - where you think you belong. Many feel it but don’t want to admit because then what? Will we have to do something about it if we do?

So, admittedly I use work and busyness and alcohol to keep my mind from going there but at the same time I’ve also brought yoga back into my life over the past few years because I've recognized the need to be here with myself. Scared of losing myself forever in the cultural wasteland that is suburbia; in the abyss of motherhood and domesticity, I've found that yoga is offering me a way back to myself.

So because of all of this and so much more, I cried. I cried big, huge, wet, salty, French tears of years of not loving myself or taking the time to notice me.

Then I went out and drank wine.

Day Six - Friday

It’s amazing how wine always works brilliantly in the moment to help us forget what hurts but then makes us hurt again so much in the morning… Yes, well it wouldn’t be a proper boot camp in France if there wasn’t copious amounts of lovely wine and lovely food involved… and lucky for me, there was plenty of both. However, Thursday night really did follow me home and into class.

Fortunately, as most Bikram Yogis will attest to, there is no better cure for any hangover than hot yoga - just sweat it out. And, so I did.

After the morning class I felt ready to explore and take in the city again - I went wandering through the old town, down past the promenade and the beaches and into the posh shopping district where all kinds of lovely very French people kissed hello and kissed goodbye as they left from long lunches or embarked upon aperitifs to commence a new evening.

As I made my way back to class I realized that this would be my last day of double classes, as Saturday was only one class to wrap up the boot camp. I felt an incredible sadness and loss at this thought. I felt as if I’d only just begun this journey - I knew I had to stay. I wasn't finished with this process.

Class that evening was brilliant. Cured of my previous evening’s intense emotions and wine, I dove into every posture as if I’d never done it before - exploring every little intricacy of the level of hand in Standing Bow and how high I could lift my chest in Camel so that I pushed and lifted at the same time. In Rabbit I finally made sense of pulling on my heels whilst at the same time lifting my hips into the air without placing pressure on my head. The changes and improvements were minimal to an onlooker but monumental to me and proved to me that I had so much farther to go.

At the end of class Michael presented us with our boot camp certificates. After class I asked him if I could stay on a few more days. He agreed and in the end, I ended up staying 10 days.

The End - Sat - Wednesday

I continued to seek and find ways to improve. Every day offered up something new to me - about me. The more you do the yoga, the more you realize that this practice really does peel away layers of excess we carry both in the physical and the emotional body.

When it comes to what this yoga practice does for oneself, Bikram sums it up best...

"It takes courage and intelligence, you know, to do the stages of Yoga right, and to start with this Hatha Yoga...It's just you and nothing but you, standing in one spot frozen like a statue with no place to go for help or excuse or scapegoat except inward." - Bikram Choudhury

Coming Home

Arriving back home was more difficult than I had imagined. I think that in modern society, especially with families and careers, we rarely give ourselves the opportunity to know who we are. We define ourselves by our jobs and our roles, we take comfort in our clothes and our cars but we almost never know if what we are doing day in and day out is in line with who we are meant to be, simply because we don't have time to consider it. It took me at least ten days to re-adjust to not having as much time with myself, to reflect, to meditate. By only doing one class a day again, there is more time in my day for life to fill in the rest and life needs no invitation to take over again... kids, work, family and friends bring back the context for one's life to unfold again... and the great challenge of staying present with our breath, ourselves, united with a greater sense of who we are, what we are doing here...

On the mat we learn strength and determination, but we also learn that these mean nothing without grace and compassion. If we can take these lessons with us off the mat, we just might be able to yoke our spiritual journeys with our physical ones and experience authentic self-awareness... or, the truth is, we might just find that we are little happier, a little freer, and a little more peaceful than before.